Cleanse Update: I'd rather be dirty

I've always said...if only I could blog what I REALLY want to say without a filter...imagine what I would write...

Last week, during a moment of weakness (and hunger) I actually did it. I wrote without a filter, exactly what was on my mind...including sharing all of those crazy voices that were having a field day in my head. It was refreshing to be so real, so honest and so authentic. In an effort to continue my "filter free" blogging, I think it's only fair to give an update.

I've never been a skinny person and maybe this is why...the whole "cleanse" stuff is for the birds. It made me crazy, I heard VOICES (like lots of them!), and I came close to eating my children (not really, but I was taunted by every carb in my pantry and fantasized about eating Fruity Cheerios).

I've experienced a bit of a self discovery during this experience. Here are my conclusions:

• I would rather be chubby and happy than hungry and crazy.
• If you tell me I can't do {or have} something it will only make me want it more. Whether it's a limit on spending money, eating carbs, or dating Mr. Wrong...tell me I can't have it and it will become my main focus. Hence the whole you can't eat food all day thing redirecting my entire focus to wanting to EAT.  *note: this doesn't always work in my favor but it is how my brain works.
• I figured out a way to make the shakes so they are edible (adding a little cocoa powder and almond butter helped) . I will continue to consume these until the canister is gone.
• Like most things in life, balance is key. I am finding a balance between the shakes, the cleanse juice (it's actually not that bad), and real food. The voices have stopped (well, they're much quieter now...)
• If you're concerned at all about your appearance (which most of us are), you probably hear the same voices I do. We have to be able to discern the ones that are valid and the ones that are a result of an addiction or bad habit (a voice telling me to eat Moose Tracks ice cream is not the right one to listen to...)
• If there was a magic formula, cleanse, pill, diet, WHATEVER, that could guarantee skinniness with little or no effort then Oprah would have it and she would be skinny. But she's not. I rest assured in knowing that anything worth having is worth working for (bikini body included).

And that's all I have to say about that. I know we are all different and our bodies work in different ways. If you're a "cleanse" fanatic then by all means, I applaud your effort and your discipline. As for me, well, I'd rather stick with a daily balance of real food and keep the voices to a minimum.

I'm about to eat my children.

Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment.

Last week one of my super hot (skinny) girlfriends suggest I try a 9 day cleanse. I've never been the "cleanse" kind of girl but considering the fact my weight has plateaued a bit I figured what the heck. Why not. I'll try anything. Once.

I placed my order on Thursday, and the UPS tracking number politely notified me via email my package would arrive on Tuesday. This meant I would start Day 1 on Wednesday. My friend knew exactly when my shipment was arriving. She even texted me this morning to make sure I was on track.

On track, alright...the fast track to insanity!

Let's rewind a bit, shall we? For the past 5 days I've been dreading this day. It was like a huge dark cloud hanging over my head. THE 9 DAY CLEANSE WILL BEGIN IN T-MINUS 4 DAYS...3 DAYS...2 DAYS....CRAP....IT'S HERE. TOMORROW IS THE DAY (I would be lying if I didn't tell you I was very close to ordering pizza last night for a toxins going away party, but I resisted and went for the standard grilled chicken).

Like an athlete preparing for a big game, I knew I had to get my head straight. Attitude is everything, right? GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME, HOLIDAY. THIS COST YOU $200. PULL IT TOGETHER. Okay, after my pep talk I opened the box.

I rrreeeaaallly tried to get excited. The shake mix looked normal, the "accelerator" vitamin thingies seemed acceptable, but the bottle labeled "SNACKS" sent me into a tizzy. It was the size of an Advil bottle and I just couldn't fathom how any decent snack could possibly fit inside this tiny bottle. The label said "chewable wafers" so I briefly fantasized about chocolate wafer cookies. Maybe these were mini cookies...hhmmmmmm...Clearly my idea of a snack is much different than this company's.

From the minute I woke up this morning I suddenly heard voices. I had no idea there were so many voices in my head until today. No, really. They all came out to play today. It kinda freaked me out. This is how it went:

Wake up/Breakfast before school:
Okay, Holiday, you can do this! Today is going to be great! This shake is going to be deeeeelicious. Don't even look at your Keurig because you know you can't have coffee...but this shake is going to give you so much energy you won't even miss it!

They call this a shake? It's more like a cup full of foamy nastiness. Stop gagging. Just suck it up and drink it.

The kids are eating Fruity Cheerios...must be nice to be a KID. My mom NEVER let me have Fruity Cheerios. I got robbed.

Mid morning: 
Really, Holiday...why are you doing this? Let's go to Starbucks. A latte won't kill you.

Good girl. Way to resist temptation. Time for a "snack"...

REALLY?!?! They call this a SNACK?  A doody brown tablet that resembles a chewable vitamin is NOT MY IDEA OF A SNACK. Chugging water and hoping to get this down. The more water I drink the more I will pee, and the cleaner I will get....keep drinking...

Damn what I'd do for a pretzel. Or a muffin. Geeez I'd even be happy with an apple at this point. 

Okay, feeling good...actually I'm not even hungry. Wait a minute...I think my brain is getting mad at me. My body isn't hungry but my brain wants to eat. AGGGGHHH. BRAIN- SHUT UP THIS CRAP WAS EXPENSIVE.

Holiday...you're a rock star. You can totally do this. Really really really really really fat people do this and they survive. You're not even that fat. You can do it. You're going to look so good in 9 days...

Lunch:
This is great...I can totally do this. This lunchtime shake is going to be waaaayyy better than the one this morning because I'm only going to use 2 ice cubes instead of 6.

Gross. This is so gross. I want a sandwich.

You go girl. We did it. Drink some more water. You're not hungry.

This is a mental game. I can't believe I have so many voices in my head. I didn't even know you guys were here! It's like a freaking party up here today...

Holiday- are you really talking to the voices in your head? Just feed me and we will shut up.

SHUT UP BRAIN.

Okay, really, Holiday...why are you doing this? Clearly you're going insane. 

I want a cookie. Just give me a cookie and I'll leave you alone.

SHUT UP BRAIN.

Chugging water. Going to the bathroom. The jeans feel loose. I must have lost at least a pound by now...

Let's get on the scale! Maybe it's already working! 

GET A GRIP HOLIDAY. Go back to work.

Mid afternoon:

I can't wait until dinner. This piece of chicken is going to be sooooo good...marinating in absolutely NOTHING.

Stop looking in the fridge. You can't eat anything that's in here so why are you even looking?

Drink more water. Stop thinking. SHUT UP VOICES.

Why are you doing this? Holiday, this is making you kinda crazy...who does this? Why do people do this? How is this fun?

Skinny people must be starving all the time. Like ALL THE TIME. I wonder if this is why skinny people are mean? Chubby people are always soooooo nice..........

Holiday-- you are perfect just the way you are. Why can't you just love yourself as you are? Let's channel Oprah here...Oprah is chubby...she is happy...she is nice. I think? Surely Oprah is nice...right? Yes, which proves your point...chubby people are NICE. Oprah is happy because she is chubby! No...wait...she doesn't want to be chubby and she's always on a diet...I wonder if Oprah has ever done this...I wonder if Oprah has voices in her head...........

EVERYONE HAS VOICES IN THEIR HEAD. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

Oh my God. I'm crazy. I'm going f%^&ing crazy. I'm on a crazy train.

FEED ME.

SHUT UP BRAIN. I AM NOT HUNGRY.

Why am I not hungry? Maybe this stuff actually works? Maybe, just maybe, I have to clean out this crap in my body and re-train my brain into listening to my body instead of the sugar carb addicted voices...

That's it! Skinny people have cleaned out their bodies and retrained their brains...

Okay, Holiday...this is great. We've figured it all out. Now ignore the brain and focus on your body.

HELLO. IT'S YOUR BODY TALKING. I'M HUUUUNNNNNGGRRRYY.

Yuuummmm....OREOS. Why does TARGET have to put OREOS on the end of every single check out line? I mean really? Don't they know how OBESE America is? No wonder there are so many fat kids...man, I'd kill for an Oreo right now. 

The skinny girl behind me in line is buying Doritos. And Coke. And a Snickers bar. And the bitch is skinny. REALLY? HOW IS THIS FAIR? Bitch.

Holiday...that was mean. She is eating crappy food full of chemicals and bad bad things.

Hmmmmmm...Doritos...

Holiday- just because she's skinny doesn't mean she's healthy. You're healthy. And strong. Maybe she has a horrible life and God gave her skinny genes because he knew she was going to have a crappy life. You have an awesome life. Who cares if you're a little chubby...

YOU ARE NOT CHUBBY. You are beautiful. SHUT UP VOICES.

I'm crazy. It's official. I'm off my rocker.


This cycle of voices continued throughout the entire day. My friend called to check on me. I think my "maybe I'm destined to be chubby" text caught her attention. She gave me a pep talk and told me I could add cinnamon to the shakes. Awesome.

During tumbling practice I gave in to the voices and ate 5 pretzels from my kid's lunchbox. I felt like a criminal. The voices kept going. They had a field day.

My kids were running wild around the house and fighting with each other before dinner...when suddenly another voice chimed in...

If you don't stop fighting with each other mommy is going to eat you!

REALLY HOLIDAY?

You're not going to eat your children...you're just hungry. Eat your chicken. You've been dreaming about chewing since the minute you woke up...

This chicken sucks. Eat celery. Celery is okay. Chicken and celery. At least this is better than a foamy shake that makes you gag.

We're almost done with the day. All we have to do is get the kids in bed and then we have to go to bed. This day has been way too long.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Let's do Weight Watchers! Weight Watchers is for normal people. Weight Watchers has real food...and you can eat apples...and pretzels...and maybe even an Oreo...

HOLIDAY- YOU JUST SPENT A SMALL FORTUNE ON THIS AND YOU'RE NOT A QUITTER. WE DO NOT QUIT. THIS IS A MENTAL GAME. PULL IT TOGETHER. WE CAN DO ANYTHING FOR 9 DAYS.

You are beautiful. Listen to me, the voice of reason...life is too short to be this crazy. Do you hear all of these VOICES? These are the voices of CRAZINESS.

SHUT UP VOICES.

I put the kids to bed and decided to write this blog post...mostly because I know I'm not alone.

Even as I type the voices are going strong...

Do you realize you just wrote an entire blog post about us? Wow, Holiday...you look like a psycho!

You already blew it with 5 pretzels...let's go for the gold and end the night with a bowl of Fruity Cheerios...

Giiiiirrrllll...you are not going to blow it with stupid Cheerios. Let's go to bed.

Cheerios aren't even good. If we're gonna blow it we should dive into the ice cream...Moose Tracks in the freezer...yummmm...

NO ICE CREAM. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I'M SO HUNGRY. FEED ME.

Your stomach is growling. You are hungry. This isn't your brain. This is the real deal. 

GO TO BED. We will eat tomorrow.

NO WE WON'T!!!

SHUT UP VOICES.

So how will things go tomorrow? I'm not quite sure. I just might ditch the shake and have an apple with my coffee.